(This blog was originally written by me for LifeSurfer in 2015/2016)

Many women who have had a relationship with an abusive partner, battle with trauma.

Sometimes the traumas takes “merely” a few moths but sometimes I encounter women who have been struggling with them for years. It can also happen that the traumas reappear suddenly after being away for many years when, for example, something occurs that consciously or subconsciously reminds you of the time when you developed the trauma.

When I had just moved to my current house, I associated the cars passing by with the time when I had lived in my old house and my ex had been coming back home. With every car passing by (in the evening), I froze and held my breath until I was sure that nobody wanted to enter the house.

For awhile I had the same with angry male voices. I remember a moment when I was going to the grocery store and I heard a man shouting angrily. I froze and suddenly felt small and inferior and had the feeling that I just had done something wrong. This despite the fact that the man was not shouting at me, I had not done anything wrong and even if I had, I would not have to let anyone speak to me in that manner, or shout, to be precise.

How do you get a trauma?

Traumas can also arise even when you have not been physically or psychologically abused. An event can lead to an emotional or psychological trauma when for example:

• It was an unexpected event
• You felt helpless to prevent it or stop it
• It happened again and again
• Someone was intentionally mean
• It happened during your childhood

As an example; one of the deepest fears I developed was through the experiences with child protection services. I know, right? In contrast, I could deal well with the traumas given to me by my ex-partner. I do not want to say that I could rationalize them and surely I have no understanding for what he has done to me and the kids, but I could place those experiences.

What I could not place at all was the behavior of child protection workers who literally put the lives of me and my children at risk, who literally brought us in danger. From them I learned how dangerous it can be when certain people are put in the position of power. And, in that light, also that very few people take responsibility for their own actions.

As you already know, I am passionate about psychology and two experiments that have absolutely fascinated me from the very beginning and simultaneously frightened me are the Milgram experiment and the Stanford Prison experiment. You can find two links to the documentaries about these experiments at the end of this post. Anyway, I am drifting away! Back to the topic of traumas.

What is an emotional or psychological trauma?

Traumas are the result of extremely stressful situations that destroy your feeling of safety and give you the feeling that you have no control whatsoever over your life.

The more scared you are and the more hopelessness you experience, the bigger the chance that you will develop trauma or become traumatized. Each situation in which you feel overwhelmed by what is happening can be traumatic; it does not have to include any factual physical threats.

Traumas can arise through single events such as a brutal robbery or a car accident; or for example through continuous stress such as living with an unpredictable abuser.

You are more prone to traumas if you experience a lot of stress or if you have already developed traumas before, for example through growing up in unsafe environment or when you were sexually abused in your childhood, respectively physically and/or mentally abused.

Possible symptoms of trauma;

• Irritability and mood swings
• Anger
• Fear
• Feeling of disconnection from your environment or your body
• Confusion and difficulties with concentration
• Rapid heartbeat or hyperventilation
• Quick startle response
• Memory loss (or black holes)
• Nightmares
• Tense body, stiff muscles for example in your neck and shoulders
• Difficulty with taking good care of yourself or others
• Insomnia
• Feeling nervous and tense with a lot of inner turmoil, restlessness

These symptoms may persist for a few hours or few days but sometimes they stay longer.

Along the way I noticed that I needed healing from one of the traumas which I had developed through the child protection services. I have no problem whatsoever with speaking in front of 180 people and with answering their most intimate questions about me, but when I spoke to a therapist a few years ago who I asked to help my children dealing with some past experiences, I closed off totally, became scared and barely managed to find my words.

Rationally seen, there is nothing wrong and there is no actual threat from this therapist towards me and my children; on the contrary and I even invited her myself. But because there were so many triggers attached to the contact,  my heart started to beat faster, my breath speeded up and I had to talk myself out of the trigger.

That is the moment I know I had work to do. I handle it in the following ways:

First of all;

I go outside and mix with other people. In the example above, where my children were supposed to talk with a new therapist, I went outside, to a local supermarket and then sat down on a bench next to an old man. We talked, and although he was suffering from dementia, he reminded me some of the wisdoms of life..

I know how to calm myself when I am tensed and how to bring myself into a different state of mind by, for example, being more aware of my breath,  walk a few blocks, give myself a peptalk, realise what the differences are between fear, threat and triggers and taking overall good care of myself. Through these actions I am less troubled by the triggers, but there still remains a little piece of healing that I must continue to apply.

Tips I have for you:

Mingle with people. Even though you do not feel like it at all. Even when you are afraid to go outside. You can ask them for help, but of course that is not necessary. Blending with other people is very important for your recovery. It is always good to share your feelings. Undertake activities that have nothing, but really absolutely nothing to do with your trauma. Go to a chess club (;-)) or something. Do something that is healthy for you and fun, just don’t do it alone. Find an empowerment circle. Somewhere you could drop by, even if you are not ready yet to talk about it.

Move!

Find a sport that suits you and for which you need all your limbs, so that you will not end up in a downward spiral. Go swimming, as the water has a calming effect on your body and you must stay aware so your head does not go under water; take surfing lessons (that is soooooo fun!), take self-defense classes….. It helps you get out of the state of increased physiological and mental arousal which can lead to anxiety, fatigue and decreased tolerance for pain. Because that ensures that you freeze in a way. Through movement you help your nervous system relax again, which lets the positive hormones circulate through your body and spread their happy wellness vibes.

Tip number 3!

Take good care of yourself and watch for your health. Food has a great impact on how we feel. Of course it does not matter if you eat unhealthy once, but the food we feed our body impacts our energy levels and, thus, also our emotions.

Get enough sleep. If you have difficulty falling asleep, you can for example choose to leave your telephone, computer or iPad outside of your bedroom. The blue screen light keeps your brain alert, and being busy on your mobile phone causes brain activity and disrupts our natural day and night rhythm.

Avoid drugs. Avoid alcohol. (I refuse to explain this:p)

Become aware of the way you breathe. If your breathing is troubled or rushed, try to get it under control.

And last but certainly not least;

Relax. You can do it, for example, by paying attention on your breathing. A guided meditation such as a body scan meditation can help you become more aware of your own body and, because you focus on your physical sensations, you will not worry about your past or your future. That gives you more control over your stress responses. I have attached one example of such meditation, but there are many more of these types of meditations to be found.

Another way that helps me relax is listening to the music. And then, I do not listen to songs that make me sad but I like to listen to something uplifting, for example to “Something Inside So Strong” by Labi Siffre or “Living In the Moment” by Jason Mraz.

It is important to take time to figure out what you really feel. We often want to push our emotions away so that we do not have to feel them, but in order to heal properly it is important to recognize what you feel without letting those emotions be in charge.

Learn to live in the moment. The past is gone and you cannot change anything about it anymore, apart from learning to look at it in a different way. The future is yet to come and you can only influence it to some extent by choices which you are making today… The now is the only thing you really have. It makes no sense to worry about “what ifs” because the chance is big that what you think will not happen. And if you notice that you have thoughts that do not make you stronger, replace them with a strong thought. Jason Mraz sings about it so nicely in “Living In the Moment”: “I can’t walk through life facing backwards” and this is exactly how it is.

And if you are not managing… look for help. Find a therapist or psychologist who feels right for you. Engage her or him on your own, especially if a child is involved in the situation. Take control of your own life and do not remain stuck needlessly in your trauma. You can find your way out by taking control of your thoughts, your feelings and associations/meanings you give to the happenings.

People react differently to traumatic experiences and there is no right or wrong reaction. But by applying some of the tips above – those which suit you – I hope to have inspired you to take steps to free yourself.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bqQiS9GF1JU&feature=youtu.be

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1HcMWlnTtFQ&feature=youtu.be

(This blog was originally written by me for LifeSurfer in 2015/2016)

Have you ever started a relationship with another man soon after the end of your relationship with an abusive ex-partner?

In conversations between women who have been victims of partner abuse I see regularly that they enter or have entered a relationship with another man soon after the end of their relationship with an abusive ex-partner.

The text: “This time I have TRULY found the ONE!” is often accompanied by many exclamation marks and capital letters. Okay, I overreacted but you get the point.

In 2009 I was one of those women, when barely 3 months after I fled the home of my ex-partner, I got to know a much older man via Internet and committed myself fully to that relationship. Because I had no strong sense of ‘self’ and did not take the time to work on myself, the opinions of my second ex became my opinions. And I stood behind his opinions 100%.

And of course this relationship led to nothing. If someone would have predicted it back then, I would have told them that they knew nothing about me. That they knew nothing about our relationship. That it was a healthy relationship. But oh, how right they would have been!

Today I would like to tell you why it is not smart to start a relationship with another person directly after your relationship with an abusive ex-partner.

• In the period after a relationship, and certainly a relationship that was accompanied by violence, it is important to find out who you are. If you have known a lot of anxiety, humiliation or uncertainty, you will not simply lose these feelings or memories. For example, if you have been (or become) very insecure, you will need to heal this part of yourself first before you can enter a balanced relationship.

You might still get to deal with your ex-partner who is looking for ways to keep in touch with you, be it by threats, or ‘courting.’

For example, my ex-partner did both. He appeared suddenly in my home and told me that he had met another woman. He showed me a ring and said that I could either accept it now, or else he would move on with that other woman.

I wished him sincerely the best of luck in that other relationship.

Little did he know that I already started a relationship with another man, a few months after we fled our previous home. Without having thought about or knowing who I was, what my needs were, what I wanted to achieve in life, the vulnerable ‘me’ entered the next relationship to look for some kind of security and acknowledgement. And looking for a relationship from a feeling of insecurity is never ever going to work.

Had I taken more time to figure out who I was, what my values were and what I wanted to achieve in this life, and had I invested more in my self-confidence and self-love, then I would not have had to look for this strength in someone else.

I would have known that I had this strength all the time and that everything I sought in him, I could have given to myself.

When this relationship ended and I lay in my bed at night crying, I realized that I did not cry because the relationship was over. I realized that I was scared. Afraid to be ‘alone,’ afraid that my first ex could do (yet again) something to my children or me, afraid that his threats would become true, and so forth. I placed the focus and the power with my ex-partner. I overlooked totally my own possibilities and strength.

• In the initial period after abuse it is important to discover why you have been given a relationship with an abusive partner, which signals you have ignored, and why you have stayed. If you cannot answer these questions and do not dare to face them, the probability is high that you will put on the same blinders you have used before and through that will make the same mistakes again.

The last thing you want (I hope) is to repeat your past. Because you, just like everyone else, have right to an equal, healthy relationship with yourself and with someone who loves you.

The end of a relationship, and certainly the one with an abusive partner, hurts a lot.

It is the blinder which is torn away from your eyes; it is letting go of a vision for the future which will never materialize with that person and which probably has never existed and the awareness and recognition of everything that has taken place.

That hurts and is not easy. But only if you acknowledge the darkest places within yourself, you can find your own strength. You must find the power within yourself and need to build a healthy foundation before you can start an equal and balanced relationship.

Heal yourself first. Make yourself strong, become aware, become the leader of your thoughts and of the direction in which your life is going.

• The foundation of love is friendship. From friendship you can get to know each other better. Even though it sounds very romantic to fully plunge into being in love, to call him your great love or a soulmate and throw all rationality overboard…. Is it not more beautiful to let the love grow slowly, get to know each other better and bring that to flourishing? Friendship is, after all, the foundation of love.

Before you enter a new relationship:

In a relationship two imperfect people come together, each with an own set of experiences and life wisdom. Have a good look first if the package which your partner brings is the one that fits at this moment of your life and with your future vision.

Does it contain a lot of drama? Does it contain the drama that is not healthy for you? It is always okay to say no or to simply look at it twice. That person could be possibly not the right one for you right now. He is not the only person on this planet with whom you can connect.

Is he not yet single? Let him solve this on his own and live your own life. He has his own piece to deal with, and must choose his own path before he can build a new foundation. Only after that can a relationship be built. For that, you do not need to pause your life.

Be careful that you do not become a sort of dramaholic; someone who gets from one dramatic relationship into another. That is not a way to be happy, or to keep two people together and it is also not a basis for a solid foundation [of a relationship].

• The most important thing is that you build a solid foundation before you start a relationship. A foundation, in which you know how to take care of yourself when you are unhappy (that is, not with junk food), love yourself, know what your future vision is, and one in which you have processed the past.

Do you seek warmth in another? Attention? Security? A sense of safety? Someone who takes away the loneliness? Give whatever you need to yourself first.

The period after a relationship with an abusive partner can be one of extreme growth. In the past 7 years I was surprised regularly by how many times I have completely transformed.

From someone who was uncertain, with no direction in life or even an own opinion to the woman I am today. If a man fell in love with a person I used to be then, he would not have been able to appreciate the strength I have in me now. Perhaps then my growth could not have been as explosive as it was. Since I have discovered myself, I have chosen to start a balanced relationship with someone who is my friend, who is strong enough and who largely shares my norms and values. And I believe that I will be a better partner by being who I am today.

That period of relative rest (how much rest can you have with growing up twins, court cases, complaints, studies, courses and blogs? ) is a period I treasured.