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Family by blood

Break the silence: How to tell others that you were abused

2018-02-13

How do you tell your family and (new) friends that you’re a survivor of domestic violence and/or sexual abuse?

Some will say that you just have to “just say it” and others will say you have to plan carefully.

The problem with the first suggestion is being too impulsive, and the problem with the latter is that by planning too much, overthinking too much, you likely will procrastinate and/or create unnecessary worries and anxieties.

I have heard a lot of people say they just want a successful outcome.

But what is a successful outcome? Is there even a successful outcome?

Second: you can never control the “outcome” or the reactions of the person to whom you are telling your story. Nor should you want to, because it is in the reaction of the other person that you can see the value of your relationship with them. It is not your job to be busy thinking about what the other thinks and does. It should be your goal to think about how revealing your secret will benefit you. Telling someone you are a survivor is something you do for yourself.

Although I never hid my story of sexual abuse from my mother, I didn’t tell my story to the rest of my family until I was 26. At first, I was silent to protect my beloved grandfather; after that it was to protect my aunt who was married to the abuser; and as a child, it because I was afraid of the stories of child protective services. And because my uncle threatened, “What would happen to your poor mom” if he wasn’t there to help my mom out with things around the house.

With the help of my friend, I’ve written a looooong document where I told all of my uncles, aunts, and adult nephews and nieces what happened.

I sent the letter and my family went silent. Well… At least until my uncle the abuser responded to prosecute me for defamation. Thereafter I decided to file charges against him for sexual abuse because I discovered the statutory limitations on abuse hadn’t expired yet.

After a little while, my older nephew called me. He told me he was the only one in the whole family who didn’t know that this had happened despite the knowledge of his father (my uncle) and his mother (my aunt). I had told what happened to someone close to me and that person had told my aunt and my grandmother, and apparently, everyone knew in my family knew after that.

The whole family knew the whole time! I had a really big family. And nobody did anything or talked to me about it!

My nephew concluded the phone call that he would await the judge’s ruling in the case of defamation.

The judge’s ruling was in my favor. Except for the brief phone call from my nephew and the prosecution for defamation, I never heard from my family again.

This experience showed me that there is a difference between family by blood and your chosen family by heart. I am truly more happy to have people in my life who truly love me for who I am and who stand up for me and stick with me when the going gets tough no matter what than the forced family who did nothing to show they cared.

So, back to the second question: what is a successful outcome?

I think it’s about the enormous weight falling from your shoulders. There is no dirty secret anymore. The meaning you give to this abuse becomes less heavy; you essentially free yourself. It opens the doors to accept yourself for who you are, to acknowledge that you have nothing to be ashamed of, and to fully express yourself.

Back to the original question: How do you tell your family and (new) friends that you’re a survivor of domestic violence and/or sexual abuse?

It is important to not “overthink,” you cannot possibly know what the other person is thinking, so stop wasting your time doing so.

Ask yourself: What is your reason for telling?

Is your goal to explain your past to another, or maybe your behaviors?
To tell someone else why you have certain fears or why you are struggling with depression, suspiciousness or certain sexual issues?
Maybe you seek validation and moral support? To let it all out and to heal this wound in your heart caused by the secret’s damaging characteristics?
Do you want to protect other (future) victims?

Before you enter the conversation, think things through:

How do I explain why I didn’t tell someone sooner (some people most likely wanted to reach out to you sooner)?
How do I want to tell (via a written letter, meeting somewhere or maybe both)?
When do I want to tell it; it is best to schedule a moment when you both have time for this type of conversation.

As you sit down with the person you feel most comfortable with, someone you trust and who is most likely to believe you, you may still feel nervous. Tell the other person you feel nervous and that you need support from that person after you have told them your story (that gives the listener an idea how he/she should react since your story can come as a complete shock and that person doesn’t know how he/she is allowed to comfort you).

You have to prepare yourself for possible letdowns, too. Sometimes people will have trouble believing you. Remember how difficult it was to accept what happened to you. It’s a good thing to have compassion for the recipient of your story. Others might need time to accept it, too.

At first, it may seem easier to hide from others what you’ve been through. But the secret will grow until you become sick, and it bursts. Whenever you are ready to let this secret go, do it on your own timing, with the people you trust the most. And if you tell others, you can take the people you trust most with you to support you when you tell your story to others.

Some notes:

Writing a letter can be a good alternative to a face-to-face meeting if you think that you might be interrupted when you are telling your story. A letter can also help to serve as a guide when you tell your story. It also helps when you have trouble with expressing yourself under pressure.

Advice from a therapist can really help before you drop the bomb. He or she can discuss your goals with you, the probable outcomes the conversation can have, and can practice the conversation with you.

It is important to know that telling is hard but keeping something like this secret, will damage you deeply, and thereby infect those around you.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. You are not alone. 1 out of 3 women are victims of abuse. You have the right to be true to yourself and to tell your story.

There is no good or bad way to tell your story.

This too shall pass.

Most importantly: we need more people to show the world who they really are.

The first time is the heaviest. After this, you gain confidence and it becomes easier every time. Maybe you want to tell others after this, or maybe you don’t. For some, it helps to talk about it more often, while others may not be ready yet to deal with the strong emotions they experience when they talk about the abuse and trauma. It’s okay. It’s important that you break the silence and accept that this is a part of your life. It has shaped you into the person you are now. It’s time to let go of shame. It’s time to break with the victim inside of you. It’s time for you to move on and to start living.

How to talk with your children about abuse

2018-02-05

One of the hardest things you do after a relationship with an abuser has ended, is talking with your children about their abusive father or mother. Sometimes it can feel if you have to weigh each and every word on a scale and if you are tiptoeing on a very thin string.

Perhaps you’re wondering whether you should bring up the topic when your child doesn’t mention it, how you can talk about what your ex-partner did to you, and what you should actually do with your own emotions. Below you can find a couple of tips. Choose the ones that feel right for you.

Set some ground rules with yourself

Just like there is an age restriction on tonnes of films, it should also exist in your imagination during conversations with your child. Your child is mentally not ready to hear all the horrible details of what their father did to you. You then push all kinds of adult emotions into a tiny body, and your child doesn’t have the mental capacity, nor the ability to handle it. Keep adult topics far away from your child’s ears. In my house I have the strict rule; subject A (which I never mention out loud) is only discussed at night when the children are asleep, and preferably when the children are staying elsewhere. My children don’t have to know that I was sexually abused for ten years and that that is the reason why my mother doesn’t cycle in the abuser’s street. They don’t have to know they were born early because I was abused by their progenitor. They have their own history with him, their own trauma, and that is bad enough. Apart from that, I just want to let them be children.

Find (independent) help

Many children have difficulties to talk about their emotions, so when you notice that in your own child, it is time to get help. Find an independent child psychologist to talk with your child.

Let them talk

When my children want to talk about it, I do this without judgement. I let them tell their story. I don’t interrupt their conversation by, for example, talking about myself. I don’t give them my vision, but when possible I provide them with support to continue talking. Sharing is good, and it gives me an idea of how far they’ve come in their development and trauma processing.

Safety first

I have not allowed my children to go with their biological father after they had been abused by him (about which you can read more here: http://www.aliannelooijenga.com/infringing-the-rules-despite-the-consequences/. Despite penalties, threats of juridical hostage, and increasing the penalties, I always put my children’s safety first.

Despite threats of juridical hostage, increasing penalties, my children’s safety comes first.

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I once told my children they would never have to see him again, which I started to regret when youth care forced me to let them see each other again. I had given them my promise and couldn’t keep myself to it. Nevertheless, I will never let them be alone again, since that is too dangerous.

Be honest towards your children.

When my son told me I wasn’t clever for having chosen such a stupid father, I agreed with him. I am honest about what happened in the process (though, of course, I don’t bother burden them with unnecessary insecurity).

Indicate your boundaries.

You don’t want your child to lose themselves in all kinds of nasty fantasies. Let your child finish, but do indicate your boundaries.

My children know the abuse is not their fault. Children always have the tendency to blame themselves, which is something I have been vigilant for from the very beginning.

Pay attention to your child’s drawings.

My children used to make drawings in which the abuser was very tall and they were very small. They also made drawings in which they drew him as very ugly, after which they crumpled up the paper and threw it away. Later they would make drawings in which they were very tall. When I saw them drawing something like that, I always joined them to talk about it. I gave them space so they could use their drawings to tell me what they were thinking. Of course, I thought the drawings were horrible, but by not reacting emotionally and by giving them my time and attention, they felt safe to tell their story.

Don’t force conversations;

let it come from your child. Forcing when a child isn’t ready will only cause your child to withdraw even more.

Praise your children.

Show your child that you see and recognize and understand his/her feelings. Give compliments. My children receive loads of compliments. About having dried the dishes well, that a shirt looks very nice, reminding them that they are strong etc. Together with them, I strengthen their self-image.

Watch your child.

Children pay an enormous amount of attention to the reaction of adults. Show your child that you believe (in) them and will be there for them and have their best interest at heart.

What if your child misses their father?

We have never been in that situation because at the moment when an affective bond should have developed (during the imposed moments of contact), that didn’t happen. But whatever your situation is; talk to your child about their emotions. Find the space in your heart to talk about the good moments that have happened, find neutral words (i.e. don’t say, “Well, and that moron of a dad of yours”, don’t play down the events and explain what you can.

Be patient.

Abuse is already hard to understand for an adult, but for a child it is completely unfathomable. Be patient if your child has put some walls in front of you or struggles with feelings of loyalty towards the abusive parent.

Discuss healthy boundaries.

Talk about how one should treat another. That it is never okay to physically, sexually or emotionally hurt another living being. And ofcourse, what your child should do and to whom your child should go when someone crosses those boundaries.

Empower your child

Humans have a tendency to tell themselves all kinds of negative things about why they are unworthy of something. And what you tell yourself, you will believe. So give your child some positive affirmations. Plant those little sentences in your child’s head. Rewire their brain and program empowerment in their brain. A few example of sentences you could use:

1.) I am loved

2.) I am strong

3.) I am worthy

4.) I am fierce

5.) I can acchieve anything

6.) I am save (but only if it is the right thing to say of course)

7.) I am powerful

8.) I have a beautiful soul

You can also listen to the video below or check out this website to find other affirmations for kids you can use. Remember to frequently tell your children the same affirmations so they will remember them.

145+ Powerfully Positive Affirmations for Kids

Love,

Alianne

Morning Motivation Starting off with positive affirmations can set a great tone for how your day unfolds. Learning this from an early age can be very beneficial in the esteem and confidence of a child. We are all Destined for Greatness!

Posted by The DFG Movement on Wednesday, September 7, 2016

17 ways to tame anxiety

2018-01-07

When you leave a violent relationship there are a lot of things you will have to face and deal with. Your life feels filled with uncertainty. And your uncertainty is feeding your worst enemy. It is called; anxiety. Anxiety is the body’s natural response to danger and boy, did you experience enough danger whether on a physical and/or emotional level.

But anxiety is not totally bad. A little bit of anxiety can actually be useful. It can help you to stay focused and can function as a driver to solve problems that are in front of you.

But when anxiety becomes a burden or even overwhelming, when it stops you from doing things that would actually be good for you and when it interferes with your relationships, it means your anxiety isn’t functional anymore.

So what can we do?

Reset the brain

First we want to “reset”the brain. To make the anxiety go from a wild beast into a tame little kitten.

Anxiety throws you off balance. But it is important that especially when that happens it is crucial to find your center again. Most of the time when we feel anxiety we start spinning out of control. We become crazy busy and desperately seek for some solution. But you can’t find a solution in the storm. To let your brain find a solution you have to step out of the situation, calm yourself and your brain down and find the solution in your peace.

I’ve wrote some things down that you can do to find peace during turmoil.

First of all I would like to start with an exercise from the book: “Retraining the brain” by dr. Frank Lawlis. I want to start with this exercise because I believe it is necessary to find out where your anxiety is coming from.

Write down the beliefs that are causing your anxiety. Look beneath the surface. Dig deep. Now consider the following criteria (from dr. Frank Lawlis) to help you decide which beliefs are keepers and which need to be ditched.

1.) Is the belief absolutely true?

2.) Even if the belief might have some validity, does refusing to let it go best serve my spirit?

3.) Even if the belief might have some validity, does refusing to let it go best serve my emotional and psychical health?

4.) What possible payoff am I getting by holding on to this negative belief?

a.) Do I crave any form of attention – even negative attention?

b.) Does this belief give me an excuse not to succeed?

c.) Does focusing on this belief distract me from taking responsibility for my current situation?

5.) Can I name one way that I would feel better (psychically or emotionally) if I chose to let this belief go?

—–

I only want to add one thing at point 1, when you think a belief is true: How do you know that the belief is true? What do you say to yourself to justify the belief to yourself? It is important to become aware of that.

Breathe the anxiety away.

It sounds so simple. But if you check in with yourself during the day you might notice that your breathing pattern contains a lot of shallow short breaths. If you notice such a thing, you have to stop yourself from whatever you are doing and take slow breaths for a few minutes. Breath in and count slowly to seven. Breath out and again count slowly to seven. There is nothing that is more important for you at that moment than to just breathe slowly to seven and to breathe out slowly to seven. You will feel instantly better.

Say no.

If you feel constantly overwhelmed by work or obligation it is time to stand up for yourself. It is okay to say no. Your mental and physical health is more important than most obligations.

Demand time for yourself.

A quote from Tony Robbins is: “if you don’t have ten minutes for yourself, you don’t have a life” or something to that extend. And it is true. So make sure that you have at least 30 minutes a day when you can check in with yourself and take care of you. After that you can take care of the whole world again. So check out and relax…

Avoid blood sugar dips.

It is important to avoid blood sugar dips. When you forget to eat because of your busy schedule or binging netflix, you are allowing yourself to feel anxiety-like symptoms. This happens because your brain isn’t receiving enough glucose to function like it should. When you feel that your brain comes in overdrive to make sure that you eat something, making you crave for bad food. But the problem with a candybar or chips is that it will spin your bloodsugar to new heights which will spike up your insuline levels. End result: you will feel bad, tired, fatigued, because your bloodsugar will drop after that initial height. Causing you to… crave for unhealthy foods. So making sure you eat healthy food, will make you feel more energized, stabilizes your blood sugar and makes you less stressed.

Dance and sing.

I mentioned it before but hearing or playing music is very important. It doesn’t matter which music calms you down as long as you are choosing music that reduces your anxiety and nervous system arousal.

But you can also use music as a distraction tool, to keep your mind from worrying. Or ofcourse to dance on. Dancing and any other way to keep your body moving has the very pleasant benefit of reducing your anxiety levels :-))

Keep calm and celebrate.

Then two tips that are more obvious but are easily overlooked:

Don’t sweat he small stuff and celebrate the good in each day.

Keep a diary of things that went well, the beauty you have seen that day. Let go of your inner critic, let go of all the things you say to yourself about things that didn’t went well. Were they really that important?

Stop giving power away.

Find ways to take the power of worrying away. Me for example, can laugh about many of the things that happened in my life. I find the outrageousness in the situation, acknowledge it, and laugh about it.

For example:

last week (remember that I wrote this blog earlier for lifesurfer.net so this isn’t a current situation) I received an forwarded email from one of my uncles. It wasn’t send directly to me, but via a close familymember.

As you may remember from earlier posts; I haven’t heard from my family since I told them that I was being sexually abused as a child. Only to find out that all of them knew. Except for one nephew who did reply to my “coming outmail”, and after he said he would let it sink in, and reply after the judge would rule, I never heard from him either.

My uncle who contacted me via the close familymember didn’t mention anything about this ofcourse. No, he asked the close familymember to ask me if I could delete the word Hole in a previous blogpost.

He wrote something to this extend:

I have a very urgent request. I don’t know if you can do something with it but I’ll ask anyway. Now I started a business, people start searching for me and and my business by googling my name. When I googled my own name I was shocked to find the website of Alianne where you’ll find this http://lifesurfer.net/love-my-detour/

The search result has something to do with the combination of the words ‘hole’ and our site. On her site is a text about sexual abuse by an uncle.
I have no interest that this stays on the website the way that it is. I have nothing to do with this and I don’t want to be associated with this whatsoever.It is a small effort for Alianne to remove the word “hole” so that I (note from me: ofcouse he meant: she) will no longer be visible in the search results.

When my clients make a connection (which of course there is not) it can have an adversely affect to my business because they can think that I’m that uncle. There aren’t so many Looijenga’s out there.

Do you want to send this request ASAP to Alianne? You can also forward this mail. If you don’t want to do this, I will ask her directly. But because there is no contact anymore I prefer it by doing this through you.

——

At first I was very angry (feel free to hear it the way Richard Gere was saying this in Pretty Woman :p, if you don’t remember: https://youtu.be/tELpCUzjel4?t=47s) and I cried a few tears. I even called that familymember to ask her what she was thinking by forwarding this request.

Angriness is a healthy reaction as long as you don’t hold on to it (borrowed this sentence from Emilie). So within half an hour I realized the absurdity, the audacity, the nerve and the madness to even think my uncle can ask this or can even demand in this situation. He lost the right to ask me anything when he knew I was being abused but did nothing about it (with all the consequences that had for me) and when I had the courage to tell my family about it he dropped me like a hot potato, just like the rest of my family. He doesn’t have any excuse for this behavior except for his own self-interest. Even if he was the only Looijenga in this country, even then it would show a gigantic narcissistic arrogance to have the audacity to ask me to do something for him 🙂

And I started to laugh. And that broke the anger and released a transforming energy that only anger, the comical and cosmical has. It gave me the power to create a part for this blog and another blog that’s coming up soon. Just stay tuned.

To return to the subject: instead of letting anxiety get the hold of me, which could easily happen, and changing one word in an old blogpost so I wouldn’t be visible on page 3 of his googleresults, ignoring all the 400+ Looijenga’s out there and to never to use the word hole again, I laughed about it and reduced the impact to a story that until it vanishes will give enough chuckles and gasps in my motivational speeches. I took the power and thus the worry away.

Meditate.

Ofcourse you didn’t expect this one, did you ;P. Yes, meditation is very important to rewire your brain. That’s why I start with meditation in the morning (good intention) and end the day with meditation in the evening .To celebrate the wins that happened that day and to prepare for the new day. I put on some relaxing music, think of all the things I am grateful for, decide what I want to accomplish the next day and let it all go.

Meditation will restore your brain pattern to normal and will retrain your brain to deal with anxiety differently.

Practice, practice practise.

If you haven’t properly taken care of yourself for a long time it takes some time to reset your brain. No magic overnight here, babe. But if you practice you will eventually learn your brain that a new era has come. A time where she has to start acting differently.

Accept that you don’t have control anyway.

This is probably the most difficult one. Accepting that life and life’s experiences are not in your control. The knowing that what happens a moment from now, is unknown.

Conclusion:

There are a lot of things you can do to calm down your anxiety, these are just a few that helped me. Do you have tips for other survivors about how to tame that inner beast?

CPS and visitation right’s of an abusive father

2016-11-24

(This blog was originally written by me for LifeSurfer in 2015/2016)

Question from a reader

I received an email from someone in a tough situation with Youth Care, the family judge and the Dutch Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service. Because I receive this type of questions quite often from women all over the world who are forced to give their children to their abusive ex-partners I thought it would be wise to translate my blogpost for the Dutch LifeSurfer and share it with you all. I’m aware that I’m recommending Dutch lawyers and am talking about a Dutch case and Dutch organisations, but I know that a lot of you are in the same tough situation. To find good lawyers and other professionals in your neighbourhood, use Google, investigate, ask questions and seek references from professional domestic violence organisations in your area.

My reply to the reader’s question:

Dear …

I am sorry that you’re in such a tough situation. I understand how you feel – the enormous frustration and helplessness =that makes you want to fly up the wall.

Personally, I can’t do a lot for you besides showing my sympathy and give you some tips from my experiences about what to do and what not to do. Keep in mind that every situation and outcome is different and that, from my computer, I can’t study all facets of your situation or predict outcomes.

Tip 1;

don’t stress the situation with Youth Care and CPS type of organisations too much; how weird that might sound. I know you want to show them that your concerns are real and justified but the more you underscore the situation, the less they will believe you. In the beginning, I thought: ‘If I tell them 10 times what happened to the children and me, they will believe me.” However, this had the opposite effect. Don’t get me wrong; you do have to tell them what happened to you and especially the children but don’t keep telling them the same thing over and over again. When they decide that they don’t believe you or that they are not going to act on it because of their inadequate knowledge about child abuse, partner violence and the ruling dogma’s within the organisations that should defend your child, you’ll find it hard to change that mentality. It might be best to find others to support your cause.

Tip 2;

make sure you have a very good lawyer and be critical before you hire one. It is important that you feel supported and taken seriously. My lawyer is Mr. Erkens from The Hague. You need a lawyer with his or her heart in the right place, who is willing to fight for your case. Mr. Erkens is a real support during hearings and shows me that I am not the only one defending my children. I live up north and his office is in The Hague but he doesn’t have any problems traveling back and forth. Before him I had other lawyers who’s main priority was keeping a good acquaintance with the judge than to defend my children with a bit more passion which resulted in much pain. Finding an lawyer who puts your children and you first and really go for it, is an enormous support.

Unfortunately, the truth is that the current justice system works against women. Many professionals are busy turning the tides but until then the situation is as it is. Another law firm that has my (professional) interest is Van Kempen cs in Amsterdam. I don’t know Van Kempen cs personally, but they have specialisations that could be helpful in your case.

You can follow my path, but there can be consequences

If you think your kids are suffering from the visitation rights, you can follow my path. I didn’t give away my children for visitation because I believed their physical and mental safety was the most important thing. During the initial visitations my children were abused both mentally and physically by their biological father with all the consequences that had for them. When I stopped the visitation I was threatened with hostage, fines and the threat that the children would have to live with their biological father although he abused them. Ultimately, I received only fines but for me, the safety of my children was more important than anything else.

Tip three;

Keep a journal in which you write down everything that happens. Make sure you have a voice recorder app on your phone or tablet. You can use this to record your ex and/or child, for example, when your child says something shocking or shares her or his experiences with their biological father. Don’t ask much questions but give room for your child talk freely. Questions are often seen as if you lead the child in his statements and thoughts about her or his father.

Tip four;

Seek help for your child on your own. Don’t let a Youth Care employee or organisation do this; instead ask, for example, an independent specialised childpsychologist. Look for childpsychologists who specialise in the field of child abuse, trauma recovery etc. Such a psychologist can draft an independent report. Ask this psychologist how you can best guide your children through these hard times.

Beware; There are many youthcare organisations that you can’t recognise as such. They present themselves as independent operating companies, but are part of youth care. A practice with only a few psychologists specializing in children and adolescents is usually trustworthy but try to find out if they are really not part of youth care in your region.

Tip five;

Press charges. You didn’t tell me the age of your children and if you have pressed charges but the latter is important to consider if something has happened in the area of abuse. If you are abused during the relationship, if he threatens you now, press charges. If you’re worried that the charges will trigger or can lead to an angry outburst from him ask for help from a shelter so you and your children are off the radar for a while untill he has calmed down.

Support in your battle for the welfare of your child

Here are a number of books that I recommend you read:

Books of Lundi Bancroft like for example: “why does he do that?” and Donald Dutton: “the abusive personality”

This link might interest you as well:

https://www.domesticshelters.org/domestic-violence-articles-information/category/child-custody

I also have a Facebook page for lifesurfer: www.facebook.com/lifesurfer.net. You can also search for support groups in your neighbourhood.

The battle you must fight for your child’s interest is very tough, and I’m very sorry you must go through it. Be sure to take a moment for yourself now and then to clear your head. Follow your own insights. Remember that I give you tips based on my experiences and my experiences and outcomes may differ from yours.

Do breathing exercises (you can’t make long-term decisions while you’re stressed) and make sure you have support around you.

I wish you lots of strength and happiness,

Alianne

Family by blood vs family by heart

2015-11-03

(This blog was originally written by me for LifeSurfer in 2015/2016)

Breaking the secret

The day I told my family I was sexually abused by an uncle from the age of 3,5 until two weeks before my 14th birthday, is the day that I lost each and every one of my familymembers. It didn’t happen with turmoil, it didn’t happen with screaming or shouting. No, after my ” coming out” there was only this eardeafening silence. The kind of silence that you can’t place, the kind of silence you don’t understand – at first – but the kind of silence that breaks your heart.

You see, for years I have thought that I lived with a big secret. Yes I told someone close to my heart 3 times that I was abused. But the advice that was given to me, a 6 year old was ” to not go with him to his computerroom” anymore. But that was quite difficult. Not in the least because his wife, my mothers sister, was also my baby sitter so when my uncle was home, he had access to me. And ofcourse I was raised not to question the authority of adults 😉

The only reaction I got to my coming out was a phonecall of one nephew. He sounded distant but shocked. But not so much because of me being abused but more to the fact that he was the only one, in my whole family who didn’t know I was abused. Everyone, including his mother had known.

And that, that shocked me too.

My nephew told me that he would contact me when the judge would rule in my favour because my pedosexual uncle already started a lawsuit for defamation and slander against me. But even when the court ruled in my favour, I never heard of any of them again.

Creating a new family by heart

And at first it was hard. I was brought up to think we had a close but smart family. But I learned to see that there were cracks all around and everything was done to protect the image of the perfect family to the outside. A niece destroying that image was not someone to be protected but to be feared, banned and erased from the family tree.

I was 25, a single mom of twins and family-less except for my children and my mother. During that time I learned to value the meaning of family differently. The family I have today consists of a selected group of friends. They are not family by blood but we are connected through the heart. And when I reckognised my true family I never felt lonely or a phoney temitst of family since.

With thanksgiving gone but Christmas soon approaching I wanted to reach out to all people without family by blood. I bet you’ve gone through something awful, painful ad maybe you feel very lonely. But although family is important it is more important to be true to yourself. If you have the feeling that you have to keep secrets to be accepted, if you have the feeling you have to be something you are not; look at the people around you. People you feel comfortable with, where you feel accepted and who nurishes you when you feel alone. That my friend, that IS your family.